Three weeks???

There are 3 weeks left in the semester. AAAHHH!!!
This is both amazing, and horrible. Amazing because that means I get to go home. Horrible because that means I have lots of work to do and finals to study for.
Today was nuts. This week will continue to be nuts.
I get to move upstairs next semester. Yay for the third floor.
Today I felt very, very alone. But in a good way. A very peaceful and content alone. I'm starting to accept the fact that there are very few people here would qualify as true friends. I have many friends here and love them all; yet sometimes I feel like just another random being meandering across campus with no one caring a speck about what I do with my life. And I love it.
As You Like It is at the IC this week. Who's excited? I am.
I think I'll go on a date next week. I have no idea with who. Or where. Wait. That's a lie. The who part, I mean. I do have some ideas for that.

Skinny ties are essentially fantastic.

Money makes the world go 'round. Pero, it also causes many problems - for some there is not enough, or in other cases, too much. I like money. A lot. I love spending money. This is a problem. This is why I got a job.
However I am attempting to save up most of what I make. We'll see how long that lasts...
But I really want an SLR. And if I have something to save for, then I am good at saving. But when there is nothing, and I just have money, I quickly find many things that I just "have to have" and before you know it I'm poor again. Such is life. But I'm trying. Really.
Going home was pretty much the most amazing few days in recent memory. My friends are the best people in the world. I love them. Although I feel that it is because we are so far apart that I can still be friends with them. If I had to see everyone on a daily basis as I did for the last I don't even know how long, I would kill them. But I love them.
I found this magazine that C ended up buying me for my birthday (5 days, 5 days...) and I'm submitting some photos to it. Who knows. I personally think there is a decent chance that eventually my photos could be published there, but that is just my hopeful thinking. If anything, it is another outlet for my photography. Speaking of, I seem to have lots lately. There is this, I'm doing a project for Humanities, and I'm doing an editorial for BB's magazine he is starting - WORN. Should be exciting. I'm thinking all black, Hare Krishna Temple, crazy makeup. Thank you, Lani, for the idea.
I am putting myself into detox mode. I only ran twice last week and lifted once, the week before I pretty much did nothing. And I ate like crap when I was home. Not good. So this week is junk food free and exercise heavy. Horray! I may extend this to next week as well. I need it.
It is a Sunday today. I decided last week that I will never do homework on a Sunday again. I love that decision. There is plenty of time to do all my work during the week. And that way, Sunday really becomes a day of rest, where the world slows down and I can just relax.
Ok about today's picture...well, it was taken in front of the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago. I feel like I am on my way up in many ways and in many things, thus the stairs.

I'm sleepy, full, listening to good music and smiling.

It has been a week I think since I last wrote. Life gets busy. But in a good way. I had work, two tests, classes, social engagements etc. but it has been really great lately. I finished To the Lighthouse on Thursday night, and after life seemed to so much more acceptable. I know it sounds retarded, but it did. In a sense, I "had my vision" much like Lily did. It was easier for me to realize that nothing works the way we want it to; people try and connect and show one another how they feel but emotion gets lots in translation. Others rarely, if ever, can truly understand one another, yet we are persist in trying to. Life at times is completely stupid, pointless, banal, but at the same time, it is beautiful. Every little moment matters.
Last Friday, I went to Narnia after a delectable Thai dinner. Narnia is my new favorite being spot. I like places where I can go and just think, be alone or with friends. Those are my "being" spots. And Saturday was...hmm I don't remember what I did on Saturday. Wait.. I did the mystery dinner thing! It was fun. Sunday was church. And one of the best and worst days all at the same time. Church was actually good. I went to my grandparents. AL totally made my day. Little kids have a wonderful ability to make others smile. I want kids. 4 of them. Just not right now. Then, there was a minor disaster. But, it really wasn't a disaster at all. It (I realize I'm being vague here. I do not care.) was probably the best thing to have happen to me. I was mad about it, and then decided to go for a walk up to the temple. I was going to go to Narnia but didn't want to walk that far. So it was just around the temple- me, my iPod, and my thoughts. It seemed like 10 minutes, but it was like an hour at least. I was able to just sort things out, tie nice little bows in my head to wrap everything up, and then, everything was right; all the pieces came together and I was able to see the whole picture (or at least much more of it. I'm not sure anyone ever sees the whole picture.) My mind was calm; I was able to smile. It was probably one of the happiest days prior to coming home. Life has been on a dramatic upward trend since. Monday was great, and then I came home Tuesday. It has been so good to see people and be here. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone/everything here until I got back. I miss college some, but I'm really happy here. Although I couldn't handle another year here. Wouldn't work at all. I'll be happy to go back to the bubble.
Sweet potatoes are amazing (well, with 2 cups of sugar, 1 cup of butter and only 3 cups of actual potatoes...they might as well be candy) as is coconut creme pie. I love old dingy diners. My bed is normal height off the ground and I feel weird about that. My friends are pretty much the best people in the world. I love how my mom loves foreign films just like I do. Driving stick is like heaven. I love the trees and the sky and my room and East Lake Avenue and Willow Road and Steak'n'Shake and Walgreens and black bottom cupcakes and being tackled and tickled and poked and hugged.
Essentially, life is happy.

It is 12:22 and I have a test in a little over 12 hours. A big one.

Essentially, life is. And no, that was not an incomplete thought. Life is what you make it. We all define what happiness is. We all get to choose. If we are unhappy, in a large part it is due to ourselves and having unrealistic expectations. I've learned this the hard way. Recently, I have defined happiness as being with someone I care for very much, who shall remain nameless. But that is why I've been unhappy. So I've redefined my definition of happiness. Happiness is being able to read a few pages of To the Lighthouse before bed every night. Happiness is receiving a complement from an unexpected person. It is feeling good after saying no to the cookie. It is chicken curry salad. It is running, yoga, and weight lifting. It is good music. It is the mountains. It is a good movie. It is laughing about stupid things with people who care about you. It is late night walks. It is sleeping in. It is watching the sunrise on the beach. It is going home. It is homemade cookies. It is spending time doing the things you want and letting yourself breathe. It is my cookie-monster picture, my postcards and letters on my desk. It is my lamp from Ikea. It is the story my friend wrote me. It is my collage on my wall. It is my grey hair. Modern dance, mission prep with Bott, doing well on tests, raspberry yogurt, taking pictures, photoshopping, shopping in general, my watch, my family, phone calls, study sessions, stargazing, newly fallen snow, the DI, my grandparents, and my button that says blissful.
I am surrounded by happiness. I just forget that sometimes.
In conclusion, every on earth needs to read Stargirl. (As for the photo...it is a project I'm working on for humanities. Bless Dr. George Tate's heart for letting me do a photography project for Divine Comedy instead of writing. He needs a cookie.)

Diwali, Monday, and milkshakes

So this past Saturday I went to the Hare Krishna Temple for Diwali. I was somewhat disappointed when it did not play out exactly like it did on The Office, but it was still fun. Good food, good people, and a really pretty temple - and some Indian dancing and chanting - I had an enjoyable time. All the pictures are from there. Now on to today. Today is Monday. I missed my physical science lab due to work and life in general but no matter. I started work today, it seems like it will be a fun place. Everyone was really nice, however, some of the people who called were idiots. Although, they were entertaining. I'm currently addicted to Frou Frou's song "Breath In" and am very grateful for pandora. SW introduced me to it last week and I love it. Although, I feel like everyone else in the world found it before I did. Amelie is playing this week at the IC, I'm pumped for that one. Also playing are Nostalghia, Into Great Silence and Becket. Good week. Just a bad week for me to have mounds of work to do. Tonight is FHE, we're getting milkshakes. Yummy. Good study break. As was this.

[Re]think your surroundings

In one of my momentary lapses in judgment (or arguably one of my moments of intense clarity) I decided I wanted to apply to art school. I no longer think it is realistic, but in looking at the application, I found a very interesting artistic exercise. The Parson's School required you to reconsider your daily environment and to create three pieces that reflect your newfound understanding, as well as three textual pieces describing or furthering your idea. Here is my not-so-thought-out attempt.

Definition.

I think it would be appropriate to define what this is all about. This is more than likely going to end up being cheesy and cliche at some point; however, I do not care in the slightest. Recently, I have felt a total lack of creative outlets, so much so that I've seriously considered applying to the fine arts program, perhaps even applying to art school. Realistically, I could be happy in art school. But I really do not believe it would be as good a fit as BYU is. I am happy here for the most part. Truthfully, I have not been this happy for a very long time. There are days where I miss home, feel disconected from those around me, feel entierly alone; yet despite those days, I can honestly say that I have not been this content in recent memory. On the days where I'm feeling alone, my family and friends from home are just a phone call away. And there is always running, weights or yoga to do to let out stress and clear my mind. I've had to find ways to deal without a creative outlet. Weights, running and yoga all help. Because in high school, photography was not simply a passion, it was a vehicle through which I could escape from my normal day to day life, forget about everything and just be caught up in the moment, be caught up in creating in many ways an alternate reality; it was a total emotional outlet in addition to a creative one. So with my physical activities I have been able to find time to completely clear my mind, or if need be, ponder; they can be either one. Yoga is generally just mind clearing, cleansing really. I feel so loose and calm when I walk away from that class, it is one of the best feelings in the world, almost as good as waking up and realizing you don't have to be anywhere and staying all warm and curled up in your bed, half asleep and happy. Running and weight lifting can be mind cleansing, but they also can be good times to think. One of my favorite things to do is just run somewhere - usually the temple or some other high up point, and sit. Sit and think. It is essential alone time. Sometimes you just need to get away from people. Although I have those wonderful outlets, the creative juices are still going full throttle. Consequently, if I have this blog, not only do I get to write my thoughts down (which is very helpful in so many ways) but also I have a place to put my pictures. Thus, the blog was created. I know it is already full of faux-paus and grammar errors, but I really don't care. This isn't for a grade or to sound smart or educated or deep. This is just for me. If people want to read this, great. If they don't, great. Either way, it is happy. I could try and come up with some fake, deep artistic explanation for the title of the blog, but I won't. I simply thought it was fitting seeing as I'm a photo nerd and this will be featuring photography by me. Not always will the pictures connect with what I'm writing directly, but to me there is a connection, although it may be in the tone or mood or emotion or something along those lines. It is 1:27 a.m. and I just went for an amazing 3 or 4 mile run. It is time for bed.

I've accepted that it is Friday.

So. Life. Another 24 hours has elapsed. Things are essentially the same. Although, today did have its merits. Japanese was a total waste; I slept through the entire lecture. Remind me why I am in Japanese 101 after taking it for three years in high school and winning speech contests and essentially being amazing at it? Oh, yeah...because I love[d] it. I still do, but the way they structure the whole dang thing pisses me off. Then I took a long nap. A much needed nap. Then I woke up late, took a shower in the good shower that actually has water pressure, and then got dressed, packed up my bag, and went to class. Writing today was actually productive aside from being overwhelmingly hot. Regardless, I stayed awake and made some headway on my paper.
Lunch was fun. I love people, for the most part. But once again at lunch, I was told completely without my prompting or anything that I am just too much of a friend to date. Wonderful. What a great thing to say. I feel like I hear this too often.
I'm sitting at my desk and I can't focus. I can't. Although I did complete one journal entry, although I could have realistically done three in this period of time. Sometimes you just need a lazy day though, a day where you don't do anything. Those are essential to sanity, I believe.
On the topic of sanity, Volver is insane. See it. Amazing. And going with the vein of amazing, To the Lighthouse is even better the second time around. Virginia Woolf just got it. She was crazy, she was depressed, she was a psycho. But, on the upside, she was able to capture a very realistic portrait of human life in all its fragile beauty. And she does it with style.
And in closing, girls are stupid. At least the ones I tend to fall for. I can't stop thinking about her. Why does life continue to give me lemons? I really just want some orange juice.

I am. That is all.

It is the the seventh of November. It also happens to be a Wednesday.
Wait. Scratch that. It is really the eighth of November and a Thursday according my clock. My internal clock would suggest that I am still in the same period of consciousness as I was earlier and seeing as the sun has not yet risen I am still in Wednesday mode. Although technically it is a Thursday.
Life is ever interesting. Since being here at BYU, I have learned a lot. I've learned a lot about the Book of Mormon, about ancient Greek and Roman culture, about who is important to me and who is fake. I have had a significant number of fleeting friendships here, and although they were fun (for the most part) while the lasted, I do miss some people. Although, overall I when people have not lasted it is in fact due to mutual actions and not solely on myself. Such is life. People fade in and out like my attention during humanities. That's just how life works. Two weeks ago today (ok so I've accepted the fact that today IS Thursday...well not today but I'm writing this on what is Thursday) the world came crashing down. A combination of lack of sleep, realizing once more that every female on the face of the earth that I ever seem to have feelings for thinks of me simply as a friend and nothing more, my brother totalling his car by ramming into the median on the highway going 75 mph, my mother being here to visit reminding me of things and situations at home that I wanted to leave there, the whole 24 hours of Thursday circa 5 pm to Friday 5 pm where absolute hell. I realized that people here aren't too much different than those at home. Translation: people suck. Not everyone, but a surprising number. An alarming number in fact. But it is those people who honestly do care about you (of which there are a handful here whom without I would be totally lost) that make things bearable. I'm having the time of my life here. But I had higher expectations of people.
And that leads me to think of home, where everything was so comfortable and I was used to it all. But I was too used to it. I needed change. I needed to leave. But I miss it. I miss the sky. I miss my dad's homemade cookies, the familiarity I had with my family and friends. I miss Lupe. I miss Lake Michigan. I miss my own bed. I miss Liquid Fusion, Chipotle, Pita Inn, and Panera. And I miss trees. There are trees here but not like home. I cannot wait to see trees and go running in the forest. There are mountains here yes, and they are incredible. But it isn't home. Home is where cupcakes and lounging in pajamas and reading the Chicago Tribune all day Sunday reside.
My legs are sore. Yoga practice (yes, every time I go to yoga it is a practice. I'm weird. Get over it.) killed my thighs. So did the 5 mile run I did on Monday. The one thing I love about yoga and running is the absolute clarity that I can achieve during them. Life as a whole is confusing to the point of insanity. But it is in those frequent yet ephemeral moments that I feel most in tune with life, the most open to pondering and being able to reach some sort of actual understanding. I live for those moments.